Dear Annie: My son has been invited to a party celebrating the birthdays of two children. These children are not related. The parents said that because the children’s birthdays are within a week of each other, it was easier to have a combined party than to expect guests to attend two parties in the same weekend. The party is at a national chain restaurant, where I expect my child will receive one slice of pizza, one soda and one piece of combined birthday cake. Am I wrong to feel that because the cost of one party is being split between two families, I should split the cost of one gift between the two birthday children? — Party Pooper

Dear Pooper:

How nice of these people. They make it sound like combining the parties is a service they’re providing. Go to two parties? Impossible!

Parents are insane. These kids’ parents are insane for thinking they can get away with half the cost of a party while receiving a full complement of booty, and you’re insane for letting it get to you. But because you’re writing Annie instead of these other people, I’m on your side.

Here’s what you do: get two gifts for the two kids, using the amount of money you’d normally use, because it’s not their fault. Get them five pounds of silly putty apiece or tiny remote-controlled racecars or something, it doesn’t matter, it will all be thrown away or tossed into the furthest reaches of a closet inside of a week.

Next, go to the party with your kid and exact your vengeance. Vengeance depends on living and eating well; starve your child the morning prior to the party so he has a raging hunger on. It won’t hurt for you to eat one less danish that morning either. When the pizza comes, I want you all to eat like CARE has just supplied your benighted drought-stricken village with a stack of buffalo wings and egg salad sandwiches. Pay no mind to the disgusted looks of the other parents; remember, they’re insane. They may counter by speeding up their own consumption, but you can minimize the impact by paying no attention to your sodas until every last scrap of food is gone. When blindsided like you’re blindsiding them, even the wiliest parent won’t realize he’s falling behind by sipping on his Dr Pepper until too late.

With luck, will, and a strong quartering tailwind, you’ll have horked down two entire pizzas before the other party-goers know what’s hit them.

Good luck to you.

–Annie’s mailman