Dear Annie: “Stan” and I have been married nearly 40 years. He has been a wonderful husband, lover and father. Eight years ago, his business division was moved overseas, so he decided to freelance. He has done well. He has a small office, and his clients come from all over. He is booked six months in advance. However, I’m concerned about Stan’s appearance. He wears jeans and plaid shirts everywhere, except to church. I can live with that, but in the last year, he has decided to let his hair grow. It is wiry, and although he washes and combs it, by lunchtime, he has that “mad scientist” look going. I’ve asked him to cut it, but he says his customers are purchasing his brains, not his looks. Stan says people were always forcing him to cut his hair — his mother, the Army and his bosses — and he’s tired of it. The problem is, our son is engaged to a lovely girl whose parents live in another city. We met them last year, before the hair got out of hand. Last week, our son stopped by, took one look at his father and asked when Dad was going to get a haircut. Stan says he’ll get it styled for the wedding, but he doesn’t want to cut off all that growth. What should I do? — At Wits’ End in Los Angeles

Dear Wits’ End:

Here’s what you do: Go to your husband, look him straight in the eye, and tell him “I’m a complete idiot. I don’t know how to gauge my worth except through the eyes of strangers. I’m pretentious and shallow. Your son is also pretentious and shallow; I firmly believe that is my fault. I will hie immediately to a lawyer and begin divorce proceedings, since if I stayed with you and was somehow able to change the way you view the universe, it would be as if I were donating a cold and dead kidney to your otherwise-healthy body.” If you do this, I promise you that you’ll be making the world a better place to live in.

–Annie’s Mailman

Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Not Engaged Yet,” who kept getting asked when she was going to get married. It always amazes me how rude people can be. My response to a question like that is to firmly, but politely, say, “Why do you ask? Do you know something I don’t?” It says a lot while leaving little to be said. — J.S.

Dear J.S.:

Thank you for your input. Although I don’t understand what exactly you’re saying or what you’re leaving out. Are you just being an ass, or what? Listen: people want to know when other people get married. That’s just true. And being engaged is tantamount to saying “Stay tuned to this channel for further updates on our upcoming marriage.” When no updates are forthcoming, people naturally are curious. Now, I grant you, some people could be asking the question expecting a really juicy answer like “We hate each other, the deal is off.” But don’t jump to that conclusion. It hurts baby Jesus when you do that.

–Annie’s Mailman