Dear Annie: I have a group of long-term friends, and we all are in our 30s. One girl, “Hilda,” is extremely insecure and childish. When Hilda disagrees with someone, instead of discussing it face-to-face, she fires off an accusatory, often insulting, e-mail to the person. This seems to work well for her, since she can get her barbs off without having to look anyone in the eye.

After being the victim of several of Hilda’s hurtful missives, I started ignoring those e-mails. However, when I deleted two last week, Hilda went to our mutual friends, saying THEY should talk to me because I am “not communicating with her.”

Needless to say, our friends feel put upon, and all of us have discussed how Hilda drives us crazy and we no longer want to be friends with her. Trying to talk about this with Hilda, in person, only produces more accusations and immature yelling, crying and bringing up events that happened years ago.

What do you advise? — High School Was 20 Years Ago

Dear High School Was 20 Years Ago:

Instead of advising you on how to handle this situation, which I find tedious, I’ll just criticize your writing ability. I’ll do it in a bullet format, too, because I want to convey a certain amount of extra contempt for your skills that would be lacking if I were to use actual paragraphs.

* “Hurtful missives.” Mm hm, mm hm. I’ve got an idea: why don’t you take your be-hooped ass down to the grain mill and fan yourself until Silas comes in from the fields?

* I hate it when people say “needless to say” after setting up what they didn’t need to say with paragraphs of boring, boring background.

* “Hilda,” your immature and childish friend, at least has the balls to direct her accusations and insults toward those who’ve supposedly slighted her, whereas you slap a stamp on yours and use my glorious Service to deliver your anonymous accusations and insults to an advice column. May God have mercy on your unintentionally ironic soul.

–Annie’s Mailman

Dear Annie: I have a 5-year-old autistic son. My wife heard about how dogs will help my son with his speech and social skills, so eight months ago, she bought a Bich-poo. I was against this because I don’t have time to spend with the dog, let alone take care of any pet.

To make a long story short, my son doesn’t understand that the dog wants to play, so he gets very aggravated and starts screaming. Most of the time, he hits and kicks the dog until the dog leaves him alone. I have never seen my son or wife play with the dog or go outside in the yard to help clean up the dog poop.

I suggested getting rid of the dog because the older my son gets, the more force he will apply when hitting and kicking. Dogs need love and attention, and my son needs his peace once in a while. Any suggestions? — Out of Patience

Dear Out of Patience:

Anyone who goes out of her way to buy something called a Bich-poo is all right by me.

–Annie’s Mailman

Dear Annie: Now that the holidays are over, I had to write about the worst case of re-gifting ever. A friend of mine gave me a piece of crystal. She confessed that she was re-gifting and said I should feel free to give it to someone else. The box had her name written on it in ink. Worse, the card she gave me was blank. She said I should re-gift that, too.

Sure gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling about our friendship. I wish she hadn’t bothered. — Disappointed in Torrance, Calif.

Dear Disappointed in Torrance, Calif:

So. I don’t see anywhere in your letter where you ask for advice. That may work with Dear Abby, Mister, but it doesn’t float with the guy who pre-reads Annie’s mail. When you’re ready to ask a real question instead of just relating a humorous anecdote, drop Annie another line. Put a star or a moon or a picture of a loquat on the outside of the envelope so I know it’s from you. Until then, keep your goddamn hands off the stamp booklets and your goddamn Reader’s Digest “Life in These United States” can-you-believe-how-stupid-other-people-are-and-I’m-not homilies to yourself.

–Annie’s Mailman